Bodydestruction.

For some time I want to be thin. Thinner. Thinnest. I don't have an eating disorder in the strictest sense of the word, I never manage to starve myself for more than a month or two, so I never really got thin enough to be anorectic. But the desire is there. Every day. 50 kilo's seems like a very nice weight to me with 1m75 in length. 48 seems better. I envy girls who weigh 25 kilo's, not 'cause I want to weigh that much, but because they have it. They have the strenght, the determination, the will to starve. To have pain, hunger for food all day and still take none. I am weak, for I cannot take the pain long enough to really lose some weight.

On the other hand, of course, I know my way of thinking is absurd. That my 67 kilo's is quite normal, that a little fat in 25 year old females who had babies is not uncommon, and that I am not ugly or fat at all. And on the account of 'being normal' (as far as possible) I wanted to cut down on my 'weird behaviour' and that includes starving myself and wanting to be anorectic. So I quit it, got all my diet lists of the wall and started to eat more healty. Or well, I try.

Maybe the fact that I had not eaten today had anything to do with it, in any way, I stumbled on a peace on the Olsen twins in my TV guide. Mary-Kate seems to have anorexia. So, stuck home due to fear of strangers outside and even though I'm no fan (though Full House was OK in their days), I spent hours googling for the right foto. That one picture of her so skinny that was good enough to be on my log. That would show what I want, what I need, what I crave for, what I feel but will never have.

Of course I didn't find it. But the feeling of 'wanna wanna wanna' and 'why she?' has not went away...